Yesterday started off OK, in that we finally went to Gator Land, which was full of kitschy goodness. All the signage was written in a thick red neck dialect of some sort. I saw a (truly) giant alligator that had narrowly escaped being put to death for eating dogs. My only complaint was that the gator wrestling routine involved a bunch of sexist jokes? Why?
I've been drifting further and further away from the "group" and any semblance of popularity. These people are just too lame and they clearly don't get my thing and think I'm just some kind of nerd who watches movies with subtitles or whatever. I wish I could say it doesn't bother me, but I am just a person who needs a lot of validation, even if it's from morons. I place a lot of importance on other people's opinion of me, perhaps too much. I guess this is teaching me a lesson, but it still sucks. I even felt this way in Sacramento. Being just a little bit on the outskirts of the gang because of not drinking or mild agoraphobia or being married or just not being as cool really made me sad and kind of desperate. I guess this is teaching me a lesson, then, but it still sucks.
Later in the day things turned awful. I had two extremely horrible and pain inducing phone conversations. Basically cried myself to sleep. There are people back at home, several people, people who I am very very close to, that I feel like have all but given up on me. These are people who are not supposed to do that. There are some people in this life who, I think, are tied to you in such a way that they should just keep trying, no matter what. And I'm here, in an unfairly horrible situation, doing the best I can to work on myself, and it sucks to feel like very important people in my life aren't gunning for me, and aren't even necessarily going to be there when I get back. I'm really not a very trusting person, I EXPECT people to hurt me and leave me. Just not these people. I'm not blameless, but it shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter what I've done. I'm here trying to make amends and they are supposed to be in my corner.
So I cried and cried and cried, which is very embarrassing considering there is always fucking night staff out in the living room, people paid to monitor me all night long. I know, they are just doing their job, but I hate them. And one of them stole my fucking gum.
Today I woke up still very upset, but I managed to get up and I had a talk with my therapist and then I felt a little better. Not better enough to go to the YMCA, but better enough to go watch "True Grit" later. It was pretty good, but I don't have much to say about it.
Writing this stuff is becoming harder. When it started out I didn't want to censor myself at all. But in my excitement I think I told too many people, too many people, because soon there were readers who I DO feel like I can't be totally balls-out with. And, frankly, some of what I do here is just flat-out wish I could be having sex and smoking weed. Or both at once! Agh, sorry. See what I mean? It sucks that, like, my UNCLE is going to read that. The other thing is, I never meant this to be funny. Sometimes when I am writing seriously it comes out funny, because that's just how I talk or whatever, I don't know. But when people started telling me how funny they thought the thing was, I started to feel like I needed to KEEP it funny. Not that I'm mad at people for lol-ing or anything! I'm flattered! It's totally my own hang-up. But now I stop myself from writing long soliloquies about my complicated feelings and shit. And sometimes I even feel like I need to stay in the "I fucking hate this place and I want Sacramento" mode and like I can't say "Maybe this is OK" or "I am falling into a decent routine" because people at home are going to think I don't care about them or I've gone soft or take it as an admission of craziness. I don't want that. But then yesterday someone told me that they couldn't really tell much about my mental state from the blog and that it wasn't very introspective. Some people are less easily charmed by me than others. I don't want to only be writing a sad, confused, completely inward account of my time here, but I also don't want it to be a log of my daily activities plus jokes. I just want to impress people so much. It's becoming impossible. Blog feelings! Nuts!