My therapist has finally decided I can be spending more time at TLLC, which is more living skills than therapy. She thinks I'm doing really well, and, I mean, I AM, but why now? Because honestly this has been one of the worst weeks since I've been here. I've totally cut myself off from almost everyone, due to them all being morons. Look, I don't totally hate the normal. They can be nice and even funny and they teach you important new things about expensive hair procedures and video games. They're fine! But it's been too long, sir. I just desperately wish for someone who doesn't think my style of dress is out of date (it's RETRO, ok?). I wish, that when someone asked me what kind of music I like, I didn't have to answer "Animal Collective" because that's the only thing there is a chance people have heard of. And I actually don't even listen to Animal Collective. Other ways to explain music to boring people: "It's not on the radio", "I guess... punk?", or "Sort of like the Juno soundtrack." This is all woefully inaccurate but I've lost my ability to explain. And, again, WHY are these people so grossly average? Crazy people have a reputation for interestingness and I call total bullshit.
I went to the doctor because I am trying to solve the mystery of my right big toe, which has gone numb. This time the doctor was a nerve specialist and he didn't find anything. After sticking needles into my foot and sending electricity though my nerves (it sucks hella bad, ok?) he found nothing wrong. X-Rays proved equally worthless so I have decided to stop wasting time and money and being hurt and exposing myself to things which potentially cause cancer and just live with one numb toe forever. I'll be an invalid, but whatever. Do you suppose it's psychosomatic? Do I just BELIEVE that one of my toes is numb? Because, I've got to say, that is a pretty lame delusion.
Oh, then later in the day there was this amazing thunderstorm where when the lightning went off the sky shone bright purple. You know that Hole lyric "And the sky was made of amethyst, and all the stars were just like little fish."? Sure you do! They're the first lyrics on "Live Through This", off of "Violet". Anyway, it was just like that. I already told you that Hole is My Favorite Schizophrenic's favorite band (sigh...) but I've found ANOTHER patient who says they're her favorite, too! I have no choice but to conclude that people in psychiatric facilities are much more likely to love Hole than the general population, which, yes, that makes sense.
So, I download 4 different TV shows every week. If "Mad Men" and "United States of Tara" were on then it would be more. Oh, and I think I'm going to start watching "Portlandia" (it's a sketch show about Portland hipsters! It totally captures the uncomfortableness that is going in to a feminist bookstore!) But, anyway, the shows I currently download are "30 Rock", because JOKES and also Tina Fey is my imaginary best friend (well, her and Rhianna, but Rhianna doesn't have a TV show), "Big Love" because it's basically a high-brow soap opera, plus I love prairie dresses! And then "Saturday Night Live" because it IS still culturally relevant! And, finally, the very best, which just started up again, "RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE"! It's like "America's Next Top Model" if "America's Next Top Model" realized how stupid it is. And, you know, drag queens instead of self-serious skinny girls. It's so good and makes me totally jealous that I will never get to be a drag queen, even though it is probably my true calling. So, I suggest, if you want to improve your life, download "RuPaul's Drag Race". It will make you happy, if only for an hour.
Ugh, I feel like this post is too upbeat and totally not indicative of my mood, which is lonely and bleak. I feel like as soon as I let myself think "yeah, ok, I could do this, I could be a writer" everything went to shit. Last week I thought I could do it and this week I am positive that I couldn't. I have no education, no networking ability, and if I have any talent at all I am VERY distrustful of it. I have to figure this out or I am never going to get home.