Yesterday was horrible. I ate a little bit too much, first of all. They had these little fucking mini pizzas at lunch, and I told myself I could eat one because it had tomato sauce and I don't usually eat tomato sauce and I need to get comfortable eating more foods; but I was, obviously, kidding myself. And I didn't eat that little at dinner and all they had for breakfast was sweetened cereal or these frightening little sausage patties that you're supposed to put in the toaster (aaahh!) so I had a small amount of Lucky Charms which is basically just milky sugar. And working out is good, and I did it yesterday, but that still only burns like 100 calories. Gaaah SORRY I keep talking about this! I feel like a bad feminist and a generally dull human being.
WE went to the bookstore, and this completely awful skinny little white dude who think he's a gangsta totally got up in my shit. First I asked him to please stop using a fake, lispy gay voice, because I find that shit offensive. OK guys, apparently I was WRONG to ask him that because HE HAS GAY FRIENDS! Duh, he can't be discriminatory! Infact, according to his survey of his GIGANTIC NETWORK OF GAY FRIENDS, gay people don't even MIND when you make fun of them! They LIKE it! So, jeez, I have made a terrible mistake spending over half my life advocating for gay rights, because it ISN'T ACTUALLY A PROBLEM!
Then, when I explained that I would not be going to the airsoft range because I do not like guns, he freaked on me again. Because guns are the greatest invention ever! And talking about guns all the time definitely doesn't make you sound like a Columbine nerd, it makes you sound like a super tough RAPPER! And also you guys, for real? Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Flawless logic and also totally a new phrase that I have never heard before.
ANYWAY, at the bookstore, I tried to buy the new Jonathan Lethem, which recently came out in paperback, but my card got declined, even when I tried combining my card AND the six dollars that I found on the street. It was all for naught, I am mega broke. Why don't they take us to the library instead of the stupid bookstore?
Then later I had a family session with my therapist and my parents on speaker phone and that was totally disastrous . I am so angry and alone here that it is very difficult for me to talk to the people I love most, namely my parents and Jon, without feeling like I need to unload on the. So, basically, they don't want to talk to me. Which of course just makes me more angry and alone. Plus everyone is pissed at me for thinking too much about the future. I don't see why it matters what is motivating me if I'm still doing all the work. I'm in a horrible, terrifying situation, so how am I supposed to not think about when I can leave? They say that I just need to make it into a good situation, but I don't know what else I can do. I'm doing the best I can, and I feel like no one wants to believe me. So I yelled at my parents and cried a lot, which is bad because I don't want to give anyone reason to keep me here any longer than three months. By the way, my therapist? On the computer the whole time. No eye contact. I guess she has to, like, chart everything I say or something, but it still makes any kind of communication extremely trying.
So, lots of crying. Bad day. Super shitty day.
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