Yesterday and then Today

Yesterday:
I woke up to find a piece of sea glass in my bed. Under different circumstances I might have found this charming or magical or some kind of good omen. But I am just so devastated here that I couldn't feel much at all. Later it occured to me that it might be a sign that the sheets weren't washed before my arrival.
I didn't eat any breakfast, and I had only eaten fruit for dinner and lunch the day before. The food seems good but there is a ton of it and it seems like I could easily get into a pattern of over-eating. I'm going to lose weight here if nothing fucking else. (I know that not eating is not the best way to lose weight. I had a small lunch and a normal-sized dinner, and I'm doing at least a little exercise every day. And I'm going to maybe get a nutritionist? I don't know. The point is, don't worry.)
The people here are still complete looney tunes. A guy with OCD who can't stop talking about the band Rush. An asperger's case who keeps yelling "My sister has a crush on my grandfather!" it would be funny if I didn't have to be AROUND these crazies all day.
We did get to go horseback riding today. And really, I love horses, but it's just not the same when you're so sad and so desperately alone. My horse was named Pete. He was well behaved. But really, all we did was a trail ride, something I easily handled as a six-year-old. If we had been out fording swamps or jumping cliffs, that would have been incredible. But really, a lazy trail ride is still nice, I shouldn't complain (haha, all I am doing is complaining! I can't stop because it sucks so bad!).
Later we went to some cheesy buffet (The GOlden Corral!) for lunch. Two patients got in an extremely stupid argument that led to one of them crying across the restaurant for one of the counselors. Needless to say, it was extremely embarrassing and everyone in the place immediately knew we were the crazy table. It's incredibly fucking humiliating to be grouped in with these people. We even travel around in one of those big white vans. And it's got handicapped stickers, too.
To make matters worse, I talked to Jon in the evening and he basically said the reconciliation is off. I can't always understand exactly what he means, and I get confused, but I really do feel like he is kind of jerking me around. So now I'm heartbroken on top of everything else. He was such a strong ally for me here. And such a driving force for me to actually make some real changes.
Now I feel more alone than ever. And my parents are no help at all (in fact they REFUSE to help. I called my mom to ask her what I should do about JOn and all that she would say is that I should talk to my therapist. Well, I don't really even KNOW my therapist, plus she wasn't around. And she has Fridays off, too. Why can't my mom just give me some motherly advice?)
To finish off the day, I got a pill stuck in my throat, and it made me puke. That's right, vomit. AND, instead of giving me another pill, they MADE ME TAKE THE ONE I HAD JUST BARFED UP!
When I say FML, know that it is more serious than any other FML, EVER.

Today:
In the morning I met a guy who might be OK, and then a girl who might be OK in the evening. When I say OK I basically just mean they seemed like normal people instead of insane people. However, they are both on a different "level" than me and aren't really around the "Villa" (nut house) all that much. But it still maybe gives me some modicum of hope? I want to level up as soon as possible. I gotta get on the "Case Management" track, where you have your own apartment and only have to come in a few times a week, and you get a volunteer job. I intend to be on that tip by next month. That's my goal. Gotta get home.
We all went bowling, and I was reminded of what a terrible, terrible bowler I am. I rolled about a 40. Bad. Oddly, bowling really stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I have a tendency to alienate friends after awhile. My intentions are always, always good but sometimes I just, I don't know, misread situations or something? Anyway, bowling reminded me of two best friends I have had in my life whose relationships with me eventually soured. First was Mark, one of my highschool BFFs, who I used to go bowling with at UCD when we were like fifteen. He had a bowling slash pirate themed birthday party! (oh my god, i promise that was cool in 2001. It sounds soooo dorky now.) We were close, we loved each other, I must have at some point done something shitty, he is out of my life. Then there is Andy, who, although we never actually went bowling, I played a tonnn of Wii bowling with for awhile. Andy was my best friend really just like six months ago. Then something happened, (I'm not ready to say that it was something that I did, because he made a lot of shitty moves in that relationship, too) and now we don't speak. I loved Andy to death. I need to keep the friends I have, and I can't tell if I am going to. Supposedly this place is going to help me with that, but I am still worried that everyone will forget about me while I'm gone. Or that people don't love me as much as I love them. Or whatever. I have all kinds of anxieties revolving around friendship and abandonment. It's strange that a bowling alley brought them all up, though.
In the car ride home a guy wouldn't stop screaming his ABCs and when we got back they had to sedate him. At first it was annoying, then it became kind of scary. Get me out of here.
We also went out to Barnes and Noble (ooh, exciting!!!! no.) and to some little Christmas festival thing that was meant to gain revenue for what I guess is the down town area. Whatever. I don't like candy canes or saxaphone renditions of Christmas Carols. I am just trying to do every activity so they will see that I am compliant and LET ME GO HOMMMMMMEEEEE.