The day started out normal. Anxiety in the morning, gross breakfast, rock climbing expedition that I went to but did not participate in (somehow I managed to come to Florida without a single pair of pants?). In art therapy I started learning how to paint with oils. There was a very good group about independence. I got some exercise playing badminton, which I am not horrible at. I found out that a relatively sane-seeming woman believes she has been abducted by aliens on several occasions. I listened to my favorite schizophrenic ("The main conspiracy of Barney is whether he is a purple dinosaur or a blue dinosaur." Also, when I asked him what was shakin', he said "Quaker Oats" without further explanation) And the psychiatrist agreed to let me start administering my own medication, which is an absolute triumph.
However, all throughout the day, tension was building. A third person had been brought into the constant fighting between the original two. When I say fighting, I mean all out SCREAMING the most horrible things imaginable to each other. So, now three people are involved and things are quickly escalating. The staff has been trying to keep it under control by trying to keep them all separated, but that's pretty hard when they all live in the same building. There was screaming right after breakfast, and again at lunch. But when I went back to my house to get a book is when the shit REALLY hit the fan. I can't decide if I'm glad I wasn't there or bummed that I missed the action. I'm pretty cloudy on the details, but two of the three were at it again, and then one of them, a pretty low-functioning asperger's case, threw a metal chair (a heavy one, not a folding chair). My therapist was in between them, trying to keep them apart, and she was the one who ended up getting hit with the thing. She already has a bruise. So, after a huge amount of panicked staff meetings and scurrying around, the police were called. When they came, the asperger's guy was pounding on the other guy's door, screaming "I'm going to kill you, faggot!" (ugh, I don't even like writing that word, let alone hearing it). I don't know how many people they arrested, but certainly one. It's such a shitty thing to happen, but I'm glad that, hopefully, all this will end now. It got to the point where pretty much everyone in the program was feeling both emotionally and physically threatened. I would have to take a pill after each fight, they got that scary. So, hopefully this is the last chapter of all THAT.
Then, just as soon as the cops left, another patient got such a severe pain in his side that he walked to the nurses station bent over in half, literally BAWLING with pain. This is not a wimpy guy, he was a skater, and now he has MS, so he knows shit about pain. He just hobbled over a screamed for an ambulance to be called, then he collapsed. It was totally bonkers.
So, yeah, the natives were restless today. I'm just glad I didn't get very involved with all this shit and was able to get what I needed to do done. I do, however, have a gossiping problem, and I feel bad for trying to weasel information out of patients and staff. I have to keep an eye on that problem and learn to not talk about people who are not in the room.
Be so glad to be where to are, dear readers.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Not the worst day ever
I have managed to develop a couple of unlikely crushes on some patients here. I'd heard that this would happen. I hear it's even worse in rehab. These are people who aren't particularly good looking, not people I would hang out with in real life (shirts emblazoned with brand names, not band names; hair neatly maintained). And, obviously THEY LIVE IN A FUCKING MENTAL INSTITUTION! Plus, I'm in love with someone else.
So, yes, basically the most guaranteed-to-be-fruitless crushes that ever existed. But, whatever. It passes the time. Are we even allowed to make out with each other here? I dare not ask.
My main excursions today were to Target and that horrid dirt mall. But I'm kind of getting to like some people, so, if those I do not like so much could be avoided, it was actually kind of... fun? Of course not nearly as much fun as I am capable of having (oh, to get stoned in the Sacramento summer and go to the river!) but fun of at least some degree. I guess if I am able to have some pleasant moments here, it might actually get me OUT of here earlier! It's progress, right? Right.
One of the patients put together a very comprehensive guided meditation that was pretty cool. It involved scents, colors, and jewelry totems. I wasn't able to meditate, not on any level, but I could tell that in a different state of mind it would have been very great. We got to keep our little totems, too. Mine is a tear-drop shaped piece of polished green glass, with a loop to be hung on a necklace. It was chosen for me, but seems to fit rather nicely.
Later in the day I actually wrote some poetry, an activity that I haven't involved myself in for YEARS. I still seem to have the same go-to imagery, though. Bones, arteries, and the filling of spaces seem to be present in quite a few of my different poems. I have no idea why.
So, yes, basically the most guaranteed-to-be-fruitless crushes that ever existed. But, whatever. It passes the time. Are we even allowed to make out with each other here? I dare not ask.
My main excursions today were to Target and that horrid dirt mall. But I'm kind of getting to like some people, so, if those I do not like so much could be avoided, it was actually kind of... fun? Of course not nearly as much fun as I am capable of having (oh, to get stoned in the Sacramento summer and go to the river!) but fun of at least some degree. I guess if I am able to have some pleasant moments here, it might actually get me OUT of here earlier! It's progress, right? Right.
One of the patients put together a very comprehensive guided meditation that was pretty cool. It involved scents, colors, and jewelry totems. I wasn't able to meditate, not on any level, but I could tell that in a different state of mind it would have been very great. We got to keep our little totems, too. Mine is a tear-drop shaped piece of polished green glass, with a loop to be hung on a necklace. It was chosen for me, but seems to fit rather nicely.
Later in the day I actually wrote some poetry, an activity that I haven't involved myself in for YEARS. I still seem to have the same go-to imagery, though. Bones, arteries, and the filling of spaces seem to be present in quite a few of my different poems. I have no idea why.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Today we went ice-skating, which totally blows because I do NOT do skating of any kind. I fall down and break bones! Plus it was just cold and crowded and everywhere we go they buy everyone soda but I have given up soda. This entire place is basically run on soda. There is always soda drama going on. People who want to go out and buy soda, people complaining when they get cut-off from soda, people yelling that their soda has been stolen, people making soda deals, like trading three cigarettes for a soda or whatever. The words "Mountain Dew" and "Diet Coke" are just hanging in the air constantly. I think quitting soda was a really good move. Not that I drank it that much before, mostly just at restaurants. But still, if I hadn't made that decision, I might very well have gotten caught up in the great Florida soda battle.
I went to the library, which was both amazing and sucky. Amazing because it is an amazing library, with a whole room of dvds, a whole room of music, and of course a bajillion books, and even a used book store on the top level! It was very incredible. Sucky, because I am not allowed to have a library card without a Florida ID! And I aint gonna get no Florida ID! But someone else from the program was nice enough to check some books out for me so now I am FINALLY reading "Chronic City" by Jonathan Lethem and I have "Let's Spend The Night Together" by Pamela De Barres, sixties super groupie, on the back burner.
Some folks have been assholes (NO ONE can get over my desire for people to stop insulting gays, women, and people of different ethnicities! They think I'm crazy!) and some folks are nice. I would not be friends with any of them on "the outside". But, here is one thing I'll give the place: in real life, I am not considered an especially mature or responsible person, nor much of a beauty. Here I am a total god in both arenas.
Finally, in weight loss news, they had to weigh me for my chart or some shit, and I have lost 7 pounds since I got here. 7 pounds in a little over a week and a half! Rad. Only 92 to go.
I went to the library, which was both amazing and sucky. Amazing because it is an amazing library, with a whole room of dvds, a whole room of music, and of course a bajillion books, and even a used book store on the top level! It was very incredible. Sucky, because I am not allowed to have a library card without a Florida ID! And I aint gonna get no Florida ID! But someone else from the program was nice enough to check some books out for me so now I am FINALLY reading "Chronic City" by Jonathan Lethem and I have "Let's Spend The Night Together" by Pamela De Barres, sixties super groupie, on the back burner.
Some folks have been assholes (NO ONE can get over my desire for people to stop insulting gays, women, and people of different ethnicities! They think I'm crazy!) and some folks are nice. I would not be friends with any of them on "the outside". But, here is one thing I'll give the place: in real life, I am not considered an especially mature or responsible person, nor much of a beauty. Here I am a total god in both arenas.
Finally, in weight loss news, they had to weigh me for my chart or some shit, and I have lost 7 pounds since I got here. 7 pounds in a little over a week and a half! Rad. Only 92 to go.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
My Favorite Schizophrenic
Today, my favorite schizophrenic played a bunch of random notes on the piano. He then claimed it was "Moonlight Sonata" and was astonished when I didn't believe him. Then he took a cellphone and rapidly punched numbers into it for a full minute while holding it up to the piano. Then he handed it back and said he had used the cellphone to prove that it was indeed "Moonlight Sonata". Then he played Wagner, which was also random notes, but much louder.
At lunch, he put his chicken breast into a bowl and ate it with a spoon.
At lunch, he put his chicken breast into a bowl and ate it with a spoon.
Yesterday Was The Worst.
Yesterday was horrible. I ate a little bit too much, first of all. They had these little fucking mini pizzas at lunch, and I told myself I could eat one because it had tomato sauce and I don't usually eat tomato sauce and I need to get comfortable eating more foods; but I was, obviously, kidding myself. And I didn't eat that little at dinner and all they had for breakfast was sweetened cereal or these frightening little sausage patties that you're supposed to put in the toaster (aaahh!) so I had a small amount of Lucky Charms which is basically just milky sugar. And working out is good, and I did it yesterday, but that still only burns like 100 calories. Gaaah SORRY I keep talking about this! I feel like a bad feminist and a generally dull human being.
WE went to the bookstore, and this completely awful skinny little white dude who think he's a gangsta totally got up in my shit. First I asked him to please stop using a fake, lispy gay voice, because I find that shit offensive. OK guys, apparently I was WRONG to ask him that because HE HAS GAY FRIENDS! Duh, he can't be discriminatory! Infact, according to his survey of his GIGANTIC NETWORK OF GAY FRIENDS, gay people don't even MIND when you make fun of them! They LIKE it! So, jeez, I have made a terrible mistake spending over half my life advocating for gay rights, because it ISN'T ACTUALLY A PROBLEM!
Then, when I explained that I would not be going to the airsoft range because I do not like guns, he freaked on me again. Because guns are the greatest invention ever! And talking about guns all the time definitely doesn't make you sound like a Columbine nerd, it makes you sound like a super tough RAPPER! And also you guys, for real? Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Flawless logic and also totally a new phrase that I have never heard before.
ANYWAY, at the bookstore, I tried to buy the new Jonathan Lethem, which recently came out in paperback, but my card got declined, even when I tried combining my card AND the six dollars that I found on the street. It was all for naught, I am mega broke. Why don't they take us to the library instead of the stupid bookstore?
Then later I had a family session with my therapist and my parents on speaker phone and that was totally disastrous . I am so angry and alone here that it is very difficult for me to talk to the people I love most, namely my parents and Jon, without feeling like I need to unload on the. So, basically, they don't want to talk to me. Which of course just makes me more angry and alone. Plus everyone is pissed at me for thinking too much about the future. I don't see why it matters what is motivating me if I'm still doing all the work. I'm in a horrible, terrifying situation, so how am I supposed to not think about when I can leave? They say that I just need to make it into a good situation, but I don't know what else I can do. I'm doing the best I can, and I feel like no one wants to believe me. So I yelled at my parents and cried a lot, which is bad because I don't want to give anyone reason to keep me here any longer than three months. By the way, my therapist? On the computer the whole time. No eye contact. I guess she has to, like, chart everything I say or something, but it still makes any kind of communication extremely trying.
So, lots of crying. Bad day. Super shitty day.
WE went to the bookstore, and this completely awful skinny little white dude who think he's a gangsta totally got up in my shit. First I asked him to please stop using a fake, lispy gay voice, because I find that shit offensive. OK guys, apparently I was WRONG to ask him that because HE HAS GAY FRIENDS! Duh, he can't be discriminatory! Infact, according to his survey of his GIGANTIC NETWORK OF GAY FRIENDS, gay people don't even MIND when you make fun of them! They LIKE it! So, jeez, I have made a terrible mistake spending over half my life advocating for gay rights, because it ISN'T ACTUALLY A PROBLEM!
Then, when I explained that I would not be going to the airsoft range because I do not like guns, he freaked on me again. Because guns are the greatest invention ever! And talking about guns all the time definitely doesn't make you sound like a Columbine nerd, it makes you sound like a super tough RAPPER! And also you guys, for real? Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Flawless logic and also totally a new phrase that I have never heard before.
ANYWAY, at the bookstore, I tried to buy the new Jonathan Lethem, which recently came out in paperback, but my card got declined, even when I tried combining my card AND the six dollars that I found on the street. It was all for naught, I am mega broke. Why don't they take us to the library instead of the stupid bookstore?
Then later I had a family session with my therapist and my parents on speaker phone and that was totally disastrous . I am so angry and alone here that it is very difficult for me to talk to the people I love most, namely my parents and Jon, without feeling like I need to unload on the. So, basically, they don't want to talk to me. Which of course just makes me more angry and alone. Plus everyone is pissed at me for thinking too much about the future. I don't see why it matters what is motivating me if I'm still doing all the work. I'm in a horrible, terrifying situation, so how am I supposed to not think about when I can leave? They say that I just need to make it into a good situation, but I don't know what else I can do. I'm doing the best I can, and I feel like no one wants to believe me. So I yelled at my parents and cried a lot, which is bad because I don't want to give anyone reason to keep me here any longer than three months. By the way, my therapist? On the computer the whole time. No eye contact. I guess she has to, like, chart everything I say or something, but it still makes any kind of communication extremely trying.
So, lots of crying. Bad day. Super shitty day.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
Be thankful that your Thanksgiving does not involve a schizophrenic guido calling the cops because he thinks someone stole his cologne.
Yes, this was a sad Thanksgiving. For some reason I guess it's traditional to here to have the big meal at lunch instead of dinner? That is so lame. I didn't get to see my friends, I didn't get to see my family, this is all massive bullshit. I guess I am thankful that those people at least EXIST, but I'm feeling so alone it's like they barely do. Plus my parents, like I previously mentioned, are being entirely unhelpful and refuse to listen to anything I have to say. If I'm being negative, they are angry that I'm being ungrateful. If I'm being positive, they are angry that I am having unrealistic goals, or even just assume I am lying. So, yeah, no help at all. SO the whole Thanksgiving thing gets even more complicated in my head because it's like, yes, I want to see my family and I miss them, but on the other hand my family are being dicks and they left me here in this god-forsaken place on a fucking family holiday.
I know this isn't behavior becoming of a thankful woman but, yeah, I am pissed.
Oh, and what ultra-challenging therapeutic services did we have today? Nothing. Eating and going to the movies. We saw "Tangled". It was cute. Oh, and also it totally saved my life and cured my brain? Wait, no. No, it was pretty much a cute, pretty movie with the voice of Mandy Moore in it.
Yes, this was a sad Thanksgiving. For some reason I guess it's traditional to here to have the big meal at lunch instead of dinner? That is so lame. I didn't get to see my friends, I didn't get to see my family, this is all massive bullshit. I guess I am thankful that those people at least EXIST, but I'm feeling so alone it's like they barely do. Plus my parents, like I previously mentioned, are being entirely unhelpful and refuse to listen to anything I have to say. If I'm being negative, they are angry that I'm being ungrateful. If I'm being positive, they are angry that I am having unrealistic goals, or even just assume I am lying. So, yeah, no help at all. SO the whole Thanksgiving thing gets even more complicated in my head because it's like, yes, I want to see my family and I miss them, but on the other hand my family are being dicks and they left me here in this god-forsaken place on a fucking family holiday.
I know this isn't behavior becoming of a thankful woman but, yeah, I am pissed.
Oh, and what ultra-challenging therapeutic services did we have today? Nothing. Eating and going to the movies. We saw "Tangled". It was cute. Oh, and also it totally saved my life and cured my brain? Wait, no. No, it was pretty much a cute, pretty movie with the voice of Mandy Moore in it.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Holy Crap This Is Boring
I don't even want to talk about this crappy place today.
Every day I wake up with horrible anxiety. Today is no exception. I'm trying to calm myself by going out into the backyard and sitting on the swing. Speaking of the backyard, I had this whole post planned where I went out there and took pictures of all the plants and flowers, then had you guys figure out what they were for me. But guess what? I forgot the cable that connects my camera to my computer. Whyyyyy is everything so shiiiiiity?
Today I improved my bowling score. I think I almost doubled it. Guess what? Still a really bad score.
We went to the mall. I didn't have any money, plus it was a really disgusting mall. So I just trailed a staff member and watched her buy some skanky shoes. Wow, I sure am getting a lot out of this. They reallllly are challenging me. Bowling and a fucking trip to the mall. This is fucking ridiculous. Get me home, now.
Every day I wake up with horrible anxiety. Today is no exception. I'm trying to calm myself by going out into the backyard and sitting on the swing. Speaking of the backyard, I had this whole post planned where I went out there and took pictures of all the plants and flowers, then had you guys figure out what they were for me. But guess what? I forgot the cable that connects my camera to my computer. Whyyyyy is everything so shiiiiiity?
Today I improved my bowling score. I think I almost doubled it. Guess what? Still a really bad score.
We went to the mall. I didn't have any money, plus it was a really disgusting mall. So I just trailed a staff member and watched her buy some skanky shoes. Wow, I sure am getting a lot out of this. They reallllly are challenging me. Bowling and a fucking trip to the mall. This is fucking ridiculous. Get me home, now.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Today Was For Painting
I woke up this morning knowing today was art therapy, and I was ready. In preparation, I read "Picture This: The Near-Sighted Monkey Book" by Lynda Barry, who happens to be my very favorite author/illustrator and PLEASE check her out. This book is about drawing, what it means, some techniques, but mostly about how it can change you. I was totally amped up to ART!
Early in the day we went to one of those paint your own pottery places. I started work on something very awesome, but I won't go in to what it is, because I may give it as a present! I just kept telling myself to choose colors that I liked rather than the colors I was "supposed" to choose, to go slowly, to feel the brush in my hand, and to just keep painting no matter what. I know this sounds pretty cheesed out, but it made the whole thing into a very enjoyable experience.
Later there was open studio in the art therapy room. The art therapy room is very small and messy, but it has about everything you could want, plus the art therapist is totally willing to buy anything they don't have. What I chose to use was ink with a chinese brush. Lynda Barry is very deep into this technique, so I was mega psyched that I got to try it out. I did a few pages of just splotches and lines, and then I got the idea to make a splotch, then find a creature in it and use white ink over top to do details. I made eleven of them, and then I wrote a small story about each one. I'm pretty much totally grooving on the results. I'll show youz as soon as I get a scanner up in this bitch. That could potentially take forever, by the way.
So, still hate it here. A kid was screaming racial slurs at another patient, and it was just so foul. Then he came up to me and was like "Do you hate me? I'm sorry to offend you, I want you to be my friend." Like, no. No I am not going to be your friend, you were just screaming about kikes burning is Auschwitz a few minutes ago. I honestly feel that shit like this violates my rights as an individual. I should not have to hear that crap, right? Right.
So, basically, in conclusion, I love doing art and reading Lynda Barry; I hate crazy people, screaming, and racism. The end.
Early in the day we went to one of those paint your own pottery places. I started work on something very awesome, but I won't go in to what it is, because I may give it as a present! I just kept telling myself to choose colors that I liked rather than the colors I was "supposed" to choose, to go slowly, to feel the brush in my hand, and to just keep painting no matter what. I know this sounds pretty cheesed out, but it made the whole thing into a very enjoyable experience.
Later there was open studio in the art therapy room. The art therapy room is very small and messy, but it has about everything you could want, plus the art therapist is totally willing to buy anything they don't have. What I chose to use was ink with a chinese brush. Lynda Barry is very deep into this technique, so I was mega psyched that I got to try it out. I did a few pages of just splotches and lines, and then I got the idea to make a splotch, then find a creature in it and use white ink over top to do details. I made eleven of them, and then I wrote a small story about each one. I'm pretty much totally grooving on the results. I'll show youz as soon as I get a scanner up in this bitch. That could potentially take forever, by the way.
So, still hate it here. A kid was screaming racial slurs at another patient, and it was just so foul. Then he came up to me and was like "Do you hate me? I'm sorry to offend you, I want you to be my friend." Like, no. No I am not going to be your friend, you were just screaming about kikes burning is Auschwitz a few minutes ago. I honestly feel that shit like this violates my rights as an individual. I should not have to hear that crap, right? Right.
So, basically, in conclusion, I love doing art and reading Lynda Barry; I hate crazy people, screaming, and racism. The end.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Florida is not California
Although people seem to get confused over which one is "the sunshine state" (it's Florida, California is the Golden State), Florida is in fact very different than California.
For instance, did you know that in Florida, if you pay money, you can have a special "Choose Life" license plate? That's right, the government is making money off the promotion of something that is a religious, anti-government stance! Whaaaaat the hell?
Also, you aren't going to believe this, but there is NO RECYCLING here. If you want to recycle, you have to buy your own bins, then haul them over to the recycling center yourself. It is not city sponsored! PEOPLE THROW AWAY BOTTLES AND CANS! It's so fucking weird and every time I have to put something recyclable in the garbage it gives me the creeps. Additionally, there are no Co-ops in the whole city! There is Whole Foods, but I prefer to shop local, duh!
Also, in Florida, at least as far as I've seen, people do not wear seatbelts. They also are still allowed to talk on their cell phones while they drive. And text!
Why is California so awesome and Florida so not awesome? God damn it, Florida. I thought coastal states were supposed to be cool! Step up your game, Florida!
Today we went to what is called a "super" Target. It was so big it had it's own parking garage. I had to get some very exciting items like hair bands, a mouse pad, and tampons. Thrillsville. Anyway, it was going OK until two patients, the same two patients it always is, having some kind of crazy altercation in the parking lot. It was over who got shotgun. It ended with one of them screaming across the place "We're from a psychiatric facility!" It was so mortifying that it made me cry.
Also went to the YMCA and worked out for a full half hour. I pray that I continue to kick ass in this arena. And sorry, I don't mean this to be a weight-loss story. Everyone is beautiful! Especially the people reading this blog!
For instance, did you know that in Florida, if you pay money, you can have a special "Choose Life" license plate? That's right, the government is making money off the promotion of something that is a religious, anti-government stance! Whaaaaat the hell?
Also, you aren't going to believe this, but there is NO RECYCLING here. If you want to recycle, you have to buy your own bins, then haul them over to the recycling center yourself. It is not city sponsored! PEOPLE THROW AWAY BOTTLES AND CANS! It's so fucking weird and every time I have to put something recyclable in the garbage it gives me the creeps. Additionally, there are no Co-ops in the whole city! There is Whole Foods, but I prefer to shop local, duh!
Also, in Florida, at least as far as I've seen, people do not wear seatbelts. They also are still allowed to talk on their cell phones while they drive. And text!
Why is California so awesome and Florida so not awesome? God damn it, Florida. I thought coastal states were supposed to be cool! Step up your game, Florida!
Today we went to what is called a "super" Target. It was so big it had it's own parking garage. I had to get some very exciting items like hair bands, a mouse pad, and tampons. Thrillsville. Anyway, it was going OK until two patients, the same two patients it always is, having some kind of crazy altercation in the parking lot. It was over who got shotgun. It ended with one of them screaming across the place "We're from a psychiatric facility!" It was so mortifying that it made me cry.
Also went to the YMCA and worked out for a full half hour. I pray that I continue to kick ass in this arena. And sorry, I don't mean this to be a weight-loss story. Everyone is beautiful! Especially the people reading this blog!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
"The Disney Look"
I am going to apply for a job at Disney World. Here is their guidelines for how Disney employees may present themselves. It is hella funny, but amazingly I meet all the requirements.
The Disney Look – Includes but is not limited to the following requirements:
Male and Female:
Intentional body alteration or modification for the purpose of achieving a visible, physical effect that disfigures, deforms or similarly detracts from a professional image is prohibited. Examples: visible tattoos, brands, body piercing (other than traditional ear piercing for women), earlobe expansion, tongue piercing or splitting, tooth filling and visible, disfiguring skin implants.
Male:
Jewelry - Only one ring on each hand and a watch are permitted.
Hair - Cut above the ears and not touching the collar in the back. Must be one natural color. The style must be blocked and tapered. No bi-level cuts.
Face - Beards are not acceptable and sideburns cannot extend below the ear lobes. Mustaches must be neatly trimmed and cannot extend below the corners of the mouth.
Female:
Jewelry - Only one ring on each hand is permitted, with the exception being a wedding set, and a watch. One earring in each ear is permitted. Earrings may be clip-on or pierced and must be worn on the bottom of the earlobe. Post earrings may not exceed the size of a quarter. Hoop earrings no larger than a dime are also permitted.
Hair - Hair should be neatly combed and arranged in a classic, easy-to-maintain, proportionally balanced style. Extreme styles are not permitted. If the hair color is changed, it must be natural looking, well maintained and appropriate to the skin tone. Subtle highlighting is permitted as long as it creates a uniform look over the whole head. Shaving of the head or any portion of the head or eyebrows is not permitted.
Make-up - Foundation, blush, lipstick, and mascara in natural tones may be worn. Eyeliner and eye shadow are acceptable in neutral colors that are close to the skin tone. Fingernails polish, if worn, should be clear or flesh tone cream enamel. Nail length may not exceed 1/4” from the fingertip.
Oh my god I love Disney fascism! I am not even being ironic!
The Disney Look – Includes but is not limited to the following requirements:
Male and Female:
Intentional body alteration or modification for the purpose of achieving a visible, physical effect that disfigures, deforms or similarly detracts from a professional image is prohibited. Examples: visible tattoos, brands, body piercing (other than traditional ear piercing for women), earlobe expansion, tongue piercing or splitting, tooth filling and visible, disfiguring skin implants.
Male:
Jewelry - Only one ring on each hand and a watch are permitted.
Hair - Cut above the ears and not touching the collar in the back. Must be one natural color. The style must be blocked and tapered. No bi-level cuts.
Face - Beards are not acceptable and sideburns cannot extend below the ear lobes. Mustaches must be neatly trimmed and cannot extend below the corners of the mouth.
Female:
Jewelry - Only one ring on each hand is permitted, with the exception being a wedding set, and a watch. One earring in each ear is permitted. Earrings may be clip-on or pierced and must be worn on the bottom of the earlobe. Post earrings may not exceed the size of a quarter. Hoop earrings no larger than a dime are also permitted.
Hair - Hair should be neatly combed and arranged in a classic, easy-to-maintain, proportionally balanced style. Extreme styles are not permitted. If the hair color is changed, it must be natural looking, well maintained and appropriate to the skin tone. Subtle highlighting is permitted as long as it creates a uniform look over the whole head. Shaving of the head or any portion of the head or eyebrows is not permitted.
Make-up - Foundation, blush, lipstick, and mascara in natural tones may be worn. Eyeliner and eye shadow are acceptable in neutral colors that are close to the skin tone. Fingernails polish, if worn, should be clear or flesh tone cream enamel. Nail length may not exceed 1/4” from the fingertip.
Oh my god I love Disney fascism! I am not even being ironic!
First I saw a commercial with a Joanna Newsom song, and that made me kind of sad and homesick. Then I saw a local commercial with a one-eyed asian man selling appliances, and that made me happy.
Finally got to speak with my therapist today and pitch myself as the most compliant, go-gettin', motivated individual on the planet. And in a way, I am. I am extremely motivated to get out of here and do absolutely anything it takes to do so. Thus, I have finally been granted the privilege of being at my house alone. Joy?
Back at the main treatment center, people are watching some despicable romantic comedy. (I don't call them rom coms, because that is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends, and romantic comedies are no friends of mine, no sir). People did not appreciate my pointing out instances of sexism in this awful dreck. In fact, they were getting a little pissy. And the other day, when I bought a Bust Magazine, and people asked what it was, no one seemed to even know what the word "feminism" meant. Ugggh, culture shock! And another thing! People do not call 7-11 "sevvy levvy" around here, do not even try to say it! They will be perplexed! Avoid Florida at all costs! Unless you are going to the Harry Potter theme park, which I have yet to do. But I bet it's rad.
Finally got to speak with my therapist today and pitch myself as the most compliant, go-gettin', motivated individual on the planet. And in a way, I am. I am extremely motivated to get out of here and do absolutely anything it takes to do so. Thus, I have finally been granted the privilege of being at my house alone. Joy?
Back at the main treatment center, people are watching some despicable romantic comedy. (I don't call them rom coms, because that is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends, and romantic comedies are no friends of mine, no sir). People did not appreciate my pointing out instances of sexism in this awful dreck. In fact, they were getting a little pissy. And the other day, when I bought a Bust Magazine, and people asked what it was, no one seemed to even know what the word "feminism" meant. Ugggh, culture shock! And another thing! People do not call 7-11 "sevvy levvy" around here, do not even try to say it! They will be perplexed! Avoid Florida at all costs! Unless you are going to the Harry Potter theme park, which I have yet to do. But I bet it's rad.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saw Harry Potter today. How about Harry and Hermione's weird naked horcrux make out? Gross! Anyways, it was good, but doing things that I enjoy seems so meaningless without people I care about to share with.
My new strategy is to pretend like I am a staff member instead of a patient. Honestly, I feel more like those healthy grownups than the crazies, even if I am part of the crazy ones. I feel like I'm a lot closer to health than I am to true illness. So, I imagine that I am staff and talk to people about their problems and stuff and try to just nod and smile. Everyone is eager to give out their diagnosis and ask for yours in return. Then they look disappointed when they don't match up. Sorry, guys!
We also went to the YMCA, which I guess is only named that out of tradition? There were less young men there than women, and no one was explicitly Christian. Ok, whatever. I worked out for a big seventeen minutes! Shut up, I'm a beginner.
Then I wrote a couple of letters and that is pretty much it. There is a lot of sitting around and waiting here. Waiting for meals, waiting for activities. waiting for groups, waiting for meds, waiting to GET THE HELL ON WITH MY LIFE! They seem disorganized. It might just be because they are having to handle a group of extremely demanding and dependent individuals. Probably. I hope it's not just incompetence?
I love you friends, I love you family, I love you cat, I love you sweet sweet City of Trees.
My new strategy is to pretend like I am a staff member instead of a patient. Honestly, I feel more like those healthy grownups than the crazies, even if I am part of the crazy ones. I feel like I'm a lot closer to health than I am to true illness. So, I imagine that I am staff and talk to people about their problems and stuff and try to just nod and smile. Everyone is eager to give out their diagnosis and ask for yours in return. Then they look disappointed when they don't match up. Sorry, guys!
We also went to the YMCA, which I guess is only named that out of tradition? There were less young men there than women, and no one was explicitly Christian. Ok, whatever. I worked out for a big seventeen minutes! Shut up, I'm a beginner.
Then I wrote a couple of letters and that is pretty much it. There is a lot of sitting around and waiting here. Waiting for meals, waiting for activities. waiting for groups, waiting for meds, waiting to GET THE HELL ON WITH MY LIFE! They seem disorganized. It might just be because they are having to handle a group of extremely demanding and dependent individuals. Probably. I hope it's not just incompetence?
I love you friends, I love you family, I love you cat, I love you sweet sweet City of Trees.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Yesterday and then Today
Yesterday:
I woke up to find a piece of sea glass in my bed. Under different circumstances I might have found this charming or magical or some kind of good omen. But I am just so devastated here that I couldn't feel much at all. Later it occured to me that it might be a sign that the sheets weren't washed before my arrival.
I didn't eat any breakfast, and I had only eaten fruit for dinner and lunch the day before. The food seems good but there is a ton of it and it seems like I could easily get into a pattern of over-eating. I'm going to lose weight here if nothing fucking else. (I know that not eating is not the best way to lose weight. I had a small lunch and a normal-sized dinner, and I'm doing at least a little exercise every day. And I'm going to maybe get a nutritionist? I don't know. The point is, don't worry.)
The people here are still complete looney tunes. A guy with OCD who can't stop talking about the band Rush. An asperger's case who keeps yelling "My sister has a crush on my grandfather!" it would be funny if I didn't have to be AROUND these crazies all day.
We did get to go horseback riding today. And really, I love horses, but it's just not the same when you're so sad and so desperately alone. My horse was named Pete. He was well behaved. But really, all we did was a trail ride, something I easily handled as a six-year-old. If we had been out fording swamps or jumping cliffs, that would have been incredible. But really, a lazy trail ride is still nice, I shouldn't complain (haha, all I am doing is complaining! I can't stop because it sucks so bad!).
Later we went to some cheesy buffet (The GOlden Corral!) for lunch. Two patients got in an extremely stupid argument that led to one of them crying across the restaurant for one of the counselors. Needless to say, it was extremely embarrassing and everyone in the place immediately knew we were the crazy table. It's incredibly fucking humiliating to be grouped in with these people. We even travel around in one of those big white vans. And it's got handicapped stickers, too.
To make matters worse, I talked to Jon in the evening and he basically said the reconciliation is off. I can't always understand exactly what he means, and I get confused, but I really do feel like he is kind of jerking me around. So now I'm heartbroken on top of everything else. He was such a strong ally for me here. And such a driving force for me to actually make some real changes.
Now I feel more alone than ever. And my parents are no help at all (in fact they REFUSE to help. I called my mom to ask her what I should do about JOn and all that she would say is that I should talk to my therapist. Well, I don't really even KNOW my therapist, plus she wasn't around. And she has Fridays off, too. Why can't my mom just give me some motherly advice?)
To finish off the day, I got a pill stuck in my throat, and it made me puke. That's right, vomit. AND, instead of giving me another pill, they MADE ME TAKE THE ONE I HAD JUST BARFED UP!
When I say FML, know that it is more serious than any other FML, EVER.
Today:
In the morning I met a guy who might be OK, and then a girl who might be OK in the evening. When I say OK I basically just mean they seemed like normal people instead of insane people. However, they are both on a different "level" than me and aren't really around the "Villa" (nut house) all that much. But it still maybe gives me some modicum of hope? I want to level up as soon as possible. I gotta get on the "Case Management" track, where you have your own apartment and only have to come in a few times a week, and you get a volunteer job. I intend to be on that tip by next month. That's my goal. Gotta get home.
We all went bowling, and I was reminded of what a terrible, terrible bowler I am. I rolled about a 40. Bad. Oddly, bowling really stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I have a tendency to alienate friends after awhile. My intentions are always, always good but sometimes I just, I don't know, misread situations or something? Anyway, bowling reminded me of two best friends I have had in my life whose relationships with me eventually soured. First was Mark, one of my highschool BFFs, who I used to go bowling with at UCD when we were like fifteen. He had a bowling slash pirate themed birthday party! (oh my god, i promise that was cool in 2001. It sounds soooo dorky now.) We were close, we loved each other, I must have at some point done something shitty, he is out of my life. Then there is Andy, who, although we never actually went bowling, I played a tonnn of Wii bowling with for awhile. Andy was my best friend really just like six months ago. Then something happened, (I'm not ready to say that it was something that I did, because he made a lot of shitty moves in that relationship, too) and now we don't speak. I loved Andy to death. I need to keep the friends I have, and I can't tell if I am going to. Supposedly this place is going to help me with that, but I am still worried that everyone will forget about me while I'm gone. Or that people don't love me as much as I love them. Or whatever. I have all kinds of anxieties revolving around friendship and abandonment. It's strange that a bowling alley brought them all up, though.
In the car ride home a guy wouldn't stop screaming his ABCs and when we got back they had to sedate him. At first it was annoying, then it became kind of scary. Get me out of here.
We also went out to Barnes and Noble (ooh, exciting!!!! no.) and to some little Christmas festival thing that was meant to gain revenue for what I guess is the down town area. Whatever. I don't like candy canes or saxaphone renditions of Christmas Carols. I am just trying to do every activity so they will see that I am compliant and LET ME GO HOMMMMMMEEEEE.
I woke up to find a piece of sea glass in my bed. Under different circumstances I might have found this charming or magical or some kind of good omen. But I am just so devastated here that I couldn't feel much at all. Later it occured to me that it might be a sign that the sheets weren't washed before my arrival.
I didn't eat any breakfast, and I had only eaten fruit for dinner and lunch the day before. The food seems good but there is a ton of it and it seems like I could easily get into a pattern of over-eating. I'm going to lose weight here if nothing fucking else. (I know that not eating is not the best way to lose weight. I had a small lunch and a normal-sized dinner, and I'm doing at least a little exercise every day. And I'm going to maybe get a nutritionist? I don't know. The point is, don't worry.)
The people here are still complete looney tunes. A guy with OCD who can't stop talking about the band Rush. An asperger's case who keeps yelling "My sister has a crush on my grandfather!" it would be funny if I didn't have to be AROUND these crazies all day.
We did get to go horseback riding today. And really, I love horses, but it's just not the same when you're so sad and so desperately alone. My horse was named Pete. He was well behaved. But really, all we did was a trail ride, something I easily handled as a six-year-old. If we had been out fording swamps or jumping cliffs, that would have been incredible. But really, a lazy trail ride is still nice, I shouldn't complain (haha, all I am doing is complaining! I can't stop because it sucks so bad!).
Later we went to some cheesy buffet (The GOlden Corral!) for lunch. Two patients got in an extremely stupid argument that led to one of them crying across the restaurant for one of the counselors. Needless to say, it was extremely embarrassing and everyone in the place immediately knew we were the crazy table. It's incredibly fucking humiliating to be grouped in with these people. We even travel around in one of those big white vans. And it's got handicapped stickers, too.
To make matters worse, I talked to Jon in the evening and he basically said the reconciliation is off. I can't always understand exactly what he means, and I get confused, but I really do feel like he is kind of jerking me around. So now I'm heartbroken on top of everything else. He was such a strong ally for me here. And such a driving force for me to actually make some real changes.
Now I feel more alone than ever. And my parents are no help at all (in fact they REFUSE to help. I called my mom to ask her what I should do about JOn and all that she would say is that I should talk to my therapist. Well, I don't really even KNOW my therapist, plus she wasn't around. And she has Fridays off, too. Why can't my mom just give me some motherly advice?)
To finish off the day, I got a pill stuck in my throat, and it made me puke. That's right, vomit. AND, instead of giving me another pill, they MADE ME TAKE THE ONE I HAD JUST BARFED UP!
When I say FML, know that it is more serious than any other FML, EVER.
Today:
In the morning I met a guy who might be OK, and then a girl who might be OK in the evening. When I say OK I basically just mean they seemed like normal people instead of insane people. However, they are both on a different "level" than me and aren't really around the "Villa" (nut house) all that much. But it still maybe gives me some modicum of hope? I want to level up as soon as possible. I gotta get on the "Case Management" track, where you have your own apartment and only have to come in a few times a week, and you get a volunteer job. I intend to be on that tip by next month. That's my goal. Gotta get home.
We all went bowling, and I was reminded of what a terrible, terrible bowler I am. I rolled about a 40. Bad. Oddly, bowling really stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I have a tendency to alienate friends after awhile. My intentions are always, always good but sometimes I just, I don't know, misread situations or something? Anyway, bowling reminded me of two best friends I have had in my life whose relationships with me eventually soured. First was Mark, one of my highschool BFFs, who I used to go bowling with at UCD when we were like fifteen. He had a bowling slash pirate themed birthday party! (oh my god, i promise that was cool in 2001. It sounds soooo dorky now.) We were close, we loved each other, I must have at some point done something shitty, he is out of my life. Then there is Andy, who, although we never actually went bowling, I played a tonnn of Wii bowling with for awhile. Andy was my best friend really just like six months ago. Then something happened, (I'm not ready to say that it was something that I did, because he made a lot of shitty moves in that relationship, too) and now we don't speak. I loved Andy to death. I need to keep the friends I have, and I can't tell if I am going to. Supposedly this place is going to help me with that, but I am still worried that everyone will forget about me while I'm gone. Or that people don't love me as much as I love them. Or whatever. I have all kinds of anxieties revolving around friendship and abandonment. It's strange that a bowling alley brought them all up, though.
In the car ride home a guy wouldn't stop screaming his ABCs and when we got back they had to sedate him. At first it was annoying, then it became kind of scary. Get me out of here.
We also went out to Barnes and Noble (ooh, exciting!!!! no.) and to some little Christmas festival thing that was meant to gain revenue for what I guess is the down town area. Whatever. I don't like candy canes or saxaphone renditions of Christmas Carols. I am just trying to do every activity so they will see that I am compliant and LET ME GO HOMMMMMMEEEEE.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
It's Worse Than I Thought
Ok, first let's talk about Florida. It's hot. It's 80 degrees and humid over here. Basically, I am not going to have a winter. It's going to be 80 degrees and humid for fucking Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, I'M GOING TO BE SPENDING IT WITH A BUNCH OF FREAKS! Seriously, these people are not like me. They're all Schizophrenics and Bipolar and Asperger's nerds. I can't imagine ever having anything in common with these people. I listened to a middle aged Schizophrenic man mumbling about Wheel of Fortune, conspiracy, and buttercup hairdos. Ok, so buttercup hairdos sounds pretty cool but whyyyyy am i in here with all these crazies?
Look, this is what I need to get done. I need to be able to get and keep a job, i need to be able to be less dependent on other people. I need to stop accidently losing friends because I, totally without meaning to, do something or say something to hurt them. And I need to lose some weight. I thought this would be the place to do it but IT TOTALLY ISN'T. I was getting better at home. I swear I fucking was. Do you guys agree? Yes, you do. I've even lost more than ten pounds in the past few months.
Ok, so, goal now is to GET OUT OF HERE. I think I will have to stay for at least three months but if it has to be longer than that I am going to combust.
As far as treatment went today, I met some of the staff and stuff, but I couldn't really have much meaningful time with them because I've been crying and stuff. Plus, I've been with my therapist at home for seven years and I don't much feel like talking to others. I went out to a "photography" group but basically it was just us walking around a lake. I was practically the only one taking pictures. And I despise taking pictures of just static THINGS. I like taking pictures of my friends. Where are my friends?
Plus sides- I am living in a pretty house. However, it smells all clinical, there is that weird blue stuff in the toilet, and a bunch of weird safety regulations that call for, like, a fire extinguisher to be on the wall, and lit up exit signs. So, yes, pretty house but certainly not a home by any means.
Another plus is that Orlando is seemingly quite pretty, with like dozens of little lakes everywhere. That being said, I will never, ever come here again.
Somebody save me.
Speaking of Christmas, I'M GOING TO BE SPENDING IT WITH A BUNCH OF FREAKS! Seriously, these people are not like me. They're all Schizophrenics and Bipolar and Asperger's nerds. I can't imagine ever having anything in common with these people. I listened to a middle aged Schizophrenic man mumbling about Wheel of Fortune, conspiracy, and buttercup hairdos. Ok, so buttercup hairdos sounds pretty cool but whyyyyy am i in here with all these crazies?
Look, this is what I need to get done. I need to be able to get and keep a job, i need to be able to be less dependent on other people. I need to stop accidently losing friends because I, totally without meaning to, do something or say something to hurt them. And I need to lose some weight. I thought this would be the place to do it but IT TOTALLY ISN'T. I was getting better at home. I swear I fucking was. Do you guys agree? Yes, you do. I've even lost more than ten pounds in the past few months.
Ok, so, goal now is to GET OUT OF HERE. I think I will have to stay for at least three months but if it has to be longer than that I am going to combust.
As far as treatment went today, I met some of the staff and stuff, but I couldn't really have much meaningful time with them because I've been crying and stuff. Plus, I've been with my therapist at home for seven years and I don't much feel like talking to others. I went out to a "photography" group but basically it was just us walking around a lake. I was practically the only one taking pictures. And I despise taking pictures of just static THINGS. I like taking pictures of my friends. Where are my friends?
Plus sides- I am living in a pretty house. However, it smells all clinical, there is that weird blue stuff in the toilet, and a bunch of weird safety regulations that call for, like, a fire extinguisher to be on the wall, and lit up exit signs. So, yes, pretty house but certainly not a home by any means.
Another plus is that Orlando is seemingly quite pretty, with like dozens of little lakes everywhere. That being said, I will never, ever come here again.
Somebody save me.
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